Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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