My nipple is on Facebook.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
