that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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