Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
