All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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