i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
