woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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