i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
