just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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