Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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