Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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