So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
