he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I fill condoms, not promises.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
