i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
