so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize