How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
