how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
