dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
