and she was petting her beer can
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
