she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
