oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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