these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
