Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
