Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
