so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
