I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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