I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize