Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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