my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
