Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Alive.
So much puke
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
