I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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