I cannot find my penis.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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