She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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