nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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