Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
