She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
