i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
