apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
