Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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