I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
