Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
