Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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