i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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