Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
