This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
