I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize