I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
