Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
