apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize