apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
if only i could text you this smell
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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