if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
