So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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