my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
