yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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