The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
