she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize