i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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