I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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