please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
