Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
When are your genitals available?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
