you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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