She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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