well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize