Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
