4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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