Betty ford says i'm here all night
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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