chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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