some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
