I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
i've created a new STD.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
