it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
