Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
