If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
