I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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