So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
