So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
