Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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