Just fell off a train. Bad.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
