areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize