Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
