This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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