I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
