She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
