I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
you would pick up someone in the library
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
