I'm gonna have a badass scar
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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