I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
